It was all planned and I was ready to settle into it. It would be a solo Christmas. I’d had such a good year of, what felt like, Christmas come early. My yearly spring trip to South Korea, like coming home to a culture and people that has wrapped itself around my heart. I understand them without understanding what they’re saying. It makes no sense except in God’s economy. I made a “someday” thing happen and took myself to Texas to visit a wonderful friend who I hadn’t seen since her wedding day, some 20 years prior. It was rich and relaxing and full of brisket and worship and coffee and new socks and I left filled to the brim. Then came a trip to England to see my daughter and her love for Thanksgiving. I stepped into stone buildings and cobblestoned streets, Wicked with seats front and center, high tea and stocking stuffer Christmas. I loved every tick of the clock.
So, when I jetted back home and put away all my clothes and poured myself a cup of coffee from my new cup picked just for me by my daughter, I had a heart full of celebrating and being celebrated. I was content. Through various circumstances, Christmas would be solo. I got on Etsy and ordered myself a surprise hygge gift box and stocking, planned my menu, selected a movie and looked toward Christmas day. Then came the unexpected.
My phone dinged. “Can we spend the night Christmas Eve?” And everything changed; the sheets, the menu, the movie, the music…..I was preparing the way for the unexpected “YES and AMEN” of receiving what the Lover of my soul had for me. This year….has been a year. Friends loved, added, reunited. There’s been loss and gain, according to the worlds’ way of calculating. There’s been change, shift, lightning bolts that jarred and soft light of restoration. Some things tasted bitter, others like fresh fruit grown. Misunderstanding, deep communication, new doors to walk through, others I heard the sound of them closing. And all of it taken in, making me remember that I am in the land of the living and with that comes no guarantee of anything but terrifying and wonderful adventure. Living hurts real good, stings real bad, fills my lungs and empties them. Living is what we have to grab hold of as the gift of the Giver, it’s where we trust the parts we can’t see, listen to the sounds of construction that promise the unfathomable in the end.
I am willing to take it all in. I am ready to be “okay” even when it’s not “okay” with me. I open my hand to the solo trips and the companions along the way. I watch for the unexpected to take my breath away and grab the person next to me and whisper…”did you see that??!” I walk blindly ahead, one step at a time, knowing full on well that I don’t know what I’m asking for, in for, up for…..except to be pursued by my Creator and rest fully in His hand.
Here’s to 2026, to living fully in the world around me, abandoning fear, eyes wide open as I jump, ready to receive what wasn’t because what is.