It’s been a bit of a barn burner the past several weeks in some personal matters. No details are needed but we’ve all been there. Relationships are the easiest things to set on fire and the hardest fires to put out. After the last go round I couldn’t even find a cooking mitt big enough to put on to keep the scorch off. The lay of the land changed close to instantly and I stood waiting for the smoke to clear to find where to put my next footstep.
It all started the week before the “explosion”, when I took a trip to Dallas, Texas. I spent the first four years of my life in Texas and had spent the rest of my life with this inexplainable yearning to go back. My father began his pursuit of his Masters Degree in Music at Baylor University, was learning how to be a new father and had moved back to the south where he came from after a short stint in Illinois. Texas had grown roots in me I didn’t even remember and they tugged at my insides and formed tendrils as the years went by.
My dear friend, Julie, who I had last seen on her wedding day in Colorado, lives in Texas. She is now the mother of 4, the oldest is 20. “You should come see us,” was the occasional refrain. “Someday,” I’d answer, thinking that would just be so nice but the odds are not. After getting back from my annual trip to Korea in May, I kept “hearing” a mantra in my head. “Someday is now. SOMEDAY is NOW. Someday IS now.” It had a strange urgency to it. Julie posted on Facebook that afternoon and a wild thought crossed my mind as I read her words. I messaged her immediately and asked her what her family was doing for the Fourth of July holiday. Within the hour I had booked a flight to Dallas. I was headed to Texas. Someday was now.
I got there and was “home” before I’d kicked my shoes off. Her kids swirled around me like a flock of birds that loops around in the sky like a synchronized dance and within minutes I was “Aunt Tam.” Do you mind us calling you that, they wanted to know? My heart shot off a firework that nobody heard but me. The room I was to sleep in smelled of orange and vanilla, the conversation was vibrant, the cowboy boots were aplenty and Texas felt mighty good to me, mam. Sunday dawned with a pancake served up all fluffy and blueberried on my plate. We divided up into two different cars and headed to church and I walked in the door, the music began and I “heard”…..walk and see that I am wherever you go. So, I whispered to my friend that I was taking a stroll and began to walk in and around everyone as they sang. Brand new surroundings, everyone a stranger to me, and I was comfortable walking around the sanctuary as everyone sang. What was going on with me??
Near the end of the service, they set aside time for people to respond as they wanted to. I took myself up out of my chair and walked to the front and sat down quietly on the floor, others all around me. I needed to talk to God. I needed to put a stake in the ground that cost more than a whispered prayer in my comfortably padded seat. I needed to put myself on the line. God. God?? I need to hear from You, see You, experience You. You’ve done it before. I need it again. I sat there for several minutes, the service began to wrap up and I headed back to where my friends were. They introduced me to those standing around us. And then a giant teddy bear of a man stood in front of me. “I wanted to tell you something. When you got up to come back to your seat? I saw joy dancing around you. May I see your hands?” I held them up and he turned them upwards, as if to receive something. “There’s something you need to let go of…and when you do….joy will fill your hands, running over and spilling all around you.” Then he took his hands and wiped something unseen out of my hands. My eyes filled with tears. I knew what I needed to let go of. And I had gotten what I asked for.
I flew home that night, walking an inch off the ground. And then the “explosion” happened. The thing I needed to let go of? It was shot out of my hands with bullets on fire because my grip refused to loosen. And as my hands dropped to my side that day, something began to fill them. I went to bed that night, the kind of tired that makes you sigh and breathing feels heavy. You want sleep to hurry so you don’t have to think or feel. And then I did. Sleep.
I looked at the calendar the next morning. Weeks ago, I’d arranged to go to Tennessee to see Ty and Fran and Jeff and Lou and Tillie Grace and Jo and meet new friends; ones that had come round in the five years since I’d last been there because life had brainwashed me into thinking I didn’t have time to drive the 4 1/2 hours. But, someday is now. Now. So, I packed my suitcase and made the trip to Tennessee. While I was driving through the mountains clumped around me in the near distance like the old field hands in Wizard of Oz, welcoming me back to the farm, I talked to God. “You know, I don’t know if I *need* it but……if You know of somewhere You want me to work, I’d be okay with another once a month gig.” Like, He had to think about it. I smiled at myself. As it turns out, He did know and by the time I packed up gifts given me and clean laundry done in my friends’ laundry room, I had a once a month gig….in Tennessee.
I drove home last Monday with a “see you in four weeks” waving behind me and shaking my head. What had just happened? Halfway home, my phone dinged. I’m so sorry I forgot to give your number to my mom to come help her! I’ll do it now! I’d forgotten the conversation I’d had weeks ago with my hair guru who paints my head purple. Her mom and two of her friends, living together, needed help around the house. I scheduled a visit to go see them today. They poured me a glass of sweet tea and we settled in their living room and they told me stories and I loved them immediately. They call themselves The Golden Girls and I left with, not a once a month gig; twice a month. In one weeks’ time, from when I suggested to God that *maybe* He knew a thing or two…..He tripled my ask.
Last night I heard the drum in my heart start to bang the familiar cadence. Someday is now. Someday is NOW. I grabbed my computer and looked up my school calendar, my work schedule, my bank account. My daughter and her man moved to England recently. When can you come, they wanted to know? Thanksgiving was the perfect week. I searched for the perfect itinerary and my finger hovered over “confirm”. Are we sure about this, God? It cost a lot of dollars! Can I afford this? Will my schedule work itself out? CONFIRM. As I sat on The Golden Girls’ couch this afternoon, I smiled inside. Confirmed, indeed. I was going to England; and I would be more than fine.
This morning I joined a scheduled zoom meeting with my counselor. I call her when I’ve had enough or too much or not enough. *This* morning, though, I called her to tell her about the joy that is spilling out of my hands and I don’t hardly understand it all. She shook her head in wonder right along with me. “You know, this morning I woke up feeling heavy and I’m not sure why. But the minute your face appeared on the screen I felt lighter. You are glowing with joy. Every time I talk to you I feel lighter,” she said to me. Shaken, pressed down, running over full on joy I can’t hold without spilling some on others. “I’m going to pray that everywhere you go, you will see golden footsteps ahead of you showing you the way.” I’ve already seen them, I think.
Here’s the thing. The “explosion”? It’s not settled, not cleaned up. There’s soot on everybody’s hands. But the sunlight is hitting it. And when sunlight hits soot? “In essence, when sunlight encounters soot, it triggers a chain of events that contribute to warming the atmosphere, influencing weather patterns, and accelerating the melting of ice and snow, ultimately impacting the environment and climate.”
Ah, friends. I feel a warmth in the air, I feel ice melting, I feel a new and brighter climate on the horizon. The weather around me smells like some sort of new freedom and the climate surrounding me has a voice. “SOMEDAY IS NOW.” I’m lacing up my ruby slippers and watching for the gold.
Praise God!❤️🙏🙏🙏