Heart Icons

I washed up on shore today.  Limp and ragged.  Just got shot in the heart without my armor on and it took me by surprise.  I feel like a carrot scraped raw and  my leafy green top hangs by a thread. It’s a fresh wound to a recent stab site and I wasn’t expecting to feel it.

I’m now on wobbly legs.  I can hear the hissing of the arrows pointed right at me.  I’m batting back life long lies that feel real true right about now and my arms feel weak; the will to fight it just barely there.

The honest truth is I feel worthless.  Unlovable.  Unkeepable.  Foolish.  Replaceable. Wrong.  Weak. Discarded. Picked over.  I thought I’d found a home for my heart.  I’d risked vulnerability. I’d invested.  I’d shared honest.  The favor wasn’t returned.   It didn’t end well. It didn’t really end at all; just sort of gasped till it died.  Today I saw the heart icon and it killed the hope I’d denied was still there.   Social media can be a battleground of the mind.  I’ve opted out of the territory for awhile.

I shook all the way home, the emotion more than I’d bargained for.  It felt like an army tank driving over me flat.  And then I remembered, I’d flat out challenged the enemy of my soul just this morning.  I’d gone after his ground, praying against it.

he has taken me on and hit below the belt. ( I refuse to capitalize the “he”.)  So I’m putting on my yoga pants and going to exercise until I’m too tired to keep going.  And then I’m going to lay down and cover up with my cozy blanket and rest in my Creator’s lap, commit myself to Him….and continue to do good.