Puppy Love

Recently, I sat with friends in a coffee shop; the kind that take you deep or take you silly in one conversation. We’d made a pact to get there on a Saturday at 8:00 a.m. because we were just that hungry for connection.  Ah, it’s a boon to my thirsty soul to find these real women, women who want to get real and struggle or play Exploding Kittens and laugh at r i d i c u l o u s.  It’s been a long time coming, these friends. I had a select one or two along the journey.  Perhaps though, the truth might be that I wasn’t real myself and would have run hiding at this kind of transparency.  Fact is, I don’t have time to “play” anymore.  I don’t have time for surface.  And I will grab hold of you eager and sloppy and look you right in the eye to know you, know you.

While we go deep though?  I need you to know that I might break out in song….loudly….in public on a happy spring day precisely because I am happy.  I have a tendency to walk up to total strangers and tell them I think they’re pretty, take the entire tray off of someone’s hands when they offer me a sample in the grocery store and walk off with it (I eventually bring it back), I laugh too long and too loud when I get the giggles and can’t seem to get myself to stop (I’ve been known to have to pull over in the car because I can’t get ahold of myself).  I can be spontaneous and free spirited when it just seems too grown up and I feel it my duty to lighten the mood. (I’m probably not the one to take in a board room).

Time was, I would need to feel safe with you to be all of that.  And the burden would be on you to prove yourself safe.  Now?  I’ve gained a freedom that moves me to be the safe place for you.  That’s because it suddenly occurred to me that the God of the universe actually loves me.  And I have nothing to lose except maybe a little sleep or some hurt feelings now and again when the investment seems to show no return. I don’t have to take scraps off of others’ tables anymore.  My recovery time from those things has gained momentum when I bought my ticket to His love train.  And as I’ve passed out free passes to others, I find the joy multiplies and it rains sunshine when others find the courage to open their windows and feel the wind on their face.

I will never be the prettiest or the mover and shaker in the room. I look in the mirror and notice the lines around my eyes go much more crinkly deep when I smile now.  But I’m smiling (when I’m not crying or philosophizing).  And I’m not lonely from building my castle high anymore. I may have days when the wind blows hollow but now I have people to go to that let me be pathetic for a minute and don’t label me weak.  My friend in the coffee shop that early Saturday morning was animatedly describing her dog to me.  She’s always just. SO. excited. to see whoever comes to our house, my friend says. She’s sure they’ve come to see her and she jumps up and puts her paw on their arm and stares right at them barking and licking until they look at her.  “Jamie.  I am your dog; you just described me!  Send me her picture!”  And there on my phone screen, I looked into that dogs’ eager, longing eyes and saw myself.  Minus the beard.  Fortunately.

So if you see me coming toward you, brace yourself for a welcome jump up your leg.  And bring newspaper to lay down on the floor.  I can get overly excited.