A few years back, I looked in the mirror and saw pain.  It was raw and I fought to not pick up something, anything to protect myself.  I was tired of bleeding out from the heart.  But I looked again at my reflection.  I did not want to lose this thing; this living life.  I made a choice one particular day.  And I had it inked over my heart so the next time, and the time after that and the time after that I would see it in the mirror.  Azar.  Hebrew.  God is my defender.  God is.  I decided to believe that.

Seven years have come and gone.  That ink still stands out on my skin and reminds me.  Life has seen some really good days, days of promise, since then.  But life is not a straight line.  In that life?  That same life where weddings happened and money came in unexpected and I trumped some odds I didn’t expect to?  My dad, a man who always seemed to know what to do, who was insatiably positive and curious about life, became confused and received a diagnosis we did not see coming and went to heaven way sooner than I’d have chosen.  My kids moved farther than my money could take me and I had to let go.  It hurt so much I could feel it in my bones.

Tonight I find myself curled up on my couch, thinking back.  Looking ahead.  It’s hard, this living thing.  Surprises aren’t always good ones.  People don’t always do what they’re supposed to.  Words aren’t always gifts.  Joy, seeing it around you when you don’t feel it, seems violent to the heart.  Amongst unbelievable goodness, there are jolts that rock your world and cause your teeth to chatter.  This I’ve found though.  That choice I made?  It was to stay soft, to choose to be soft, in the middle of the hard.  To not let rough, crusty patches form where I bleed.

Because of that?  The soft has become a welcome mat for others.  And that is the unexpected gift.

I miss them.  I miss how they squeezed my feet like little hugs and I could slide on the wooden floor.  I miss how soft they were and the fact that I had another pair just as wonderful in a different pattern and I would trade off wearing them so they wouldn’t get their feelings hurt.  I try and watch a movie now but it’s not the same.  My feet feel cold and lonely and dissatisfied.   Even the popcorn doesn’t taste as good.  I liked the way they met me at the door and made me feel home, like I belonged.  I’d put them on first thing and head to my big jar of nutella.  It made me happy.

My cabin socks were more than just for my feet.  They covered my heart.

 I’d get woolied practically to death and those socks clung for dear life.  I’d grab the dogs’ face with both socked feet when she sloppy licked me right on the face and wrestle her back.  I’d crawl out from under the Christmasy blanket and make my way to the warm bathroom and back again to find my place on the couch.   I’d point them like hands during the “you know what YOU are” game and the kids made me curl them up in a ball laughing.  I hated taking them off until I absolutely had to so sometimes I’d sneak outside when I forgot something in the car, trying hard to barely touch the ground so they wouldn’t get too dirty.

Yeah.  I miss my socks.

Took a walk in the rain, and as it misted in my eyes, this song came to mind so I plugged it in my head and listened close…..

Sometimes?  I scroll through these “freaking awesome stand on my head beside myself blessed” declarations coupled with commercial quality pictures of smiles so big and having so much fun and I wonder if it ever makes anyone feel like they need to keep up….even in the blessing department.  Like life has become a commercial to advertise loudly and larger than life and make sure everyone sees it.  I don’t doubt the blessing; we all are.  I just wonder, that’s all.  Sometimes it makes me tired.

The truth is, for me, that in the middle of the waking up every morning with eyes to see sunrises and legs that work to take walks and sugar to bake cakes with and phones that ding with a friend checking on me…..those things that are the every day things that don’t seem quite as exciting?…….and make me look like my life is a carnival of amazing?…….those are the places where I also sift through the rainy moments, the moments where I crave the struggle to be real and honest and offer it back through teeth that chatter as a sacrifice for Him to use as His canvas.  Those are the places where I love it when my friends and I take off our shoes and sit close and talk about how the good and the bad fall together like rain and He uses it all.

Those are the times when it soothes my spirit and I don’t feel worn out with life commercials.

He gives and takes away.  Blessed be the name of the Lord.  That’s what I know.