Author: Tamara Belanger (Page 16 of 74)

I sit here in the semi warmth of my kitchen; because it is 150 years old with seepy cold windows that make me open my oven door and turn it to 400, just to create that semi warmth.  I found this picture, posted a year ago today when things looked promising for a new relationship, when roads I was traveling on were beginning to take turns I had not expected that would set the sun on fire in my heart.  And I stood perched and paying attention, just like these deer.  What is THIS, God?  I tried to peer off into the distance to see if I could see the end of the movie.  I thought that way, I could “protect” my heart from change, could resist what I might learn, could orchestrate the soundtrack myself.

I ended up traveling that road anyway, sight unseen; still am.  I am so deeply grateful for having done it not knowing.  I’d have skipped most of it, to tell you the truth.  And there would have been my absolute loss.  I look around at the memories tucked in the tree branches and the patterns on the snow in this picture, things only my heart can see and I find myself smiling.  I am a new person; newer than before.  Turns out, His word is true.  He does make all things new and sometimes He does it with me unaware.  I’ve grown up into my childlikeness, I’m skipping around in the palm of His hand where His boundaries are safe.  I rest from my need to know.  I listen to the music He’s playing in my world and dance.  I think of what scares me now, the vestiges of deer fear, and I wrap it around the notes I hear in my symphony from Him and watch it float up in the air.

Sometimes the notes are dark and the tones take on sounds that make me look around.  But now?  Instead of running to the woods?  I still my heart and listen hard.  His voice is singing over me.

A deer ago, things were different.  I am grateful.

I’m typing this all by myself from my brand new platform that, save for my girl, would not be happening because all things techno make me get all sweaty.  In fact, after I get done typing this she will then show me how to add to it because I have this irrational fear that if I hit the wrong button a war will break out somewhere in the world and it will be my fault.

https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=children+of+the+earth+josh+garrels

So here I am, my picture and a whimsical song that makes my heart want to dance.  To be free enough to share me with you and invite you to do back…..to feel safe and welcome here.  That is my hearts’ desire.  To remind you Who loves you, to “illiminate the darkest hours.”  If you’ve joined me on this adventure, thank you.  I’m so pleased to have you here.

Up in the early hours.  Thinking about Easter.  It’s soon for that kind of thing, I know, but the warmth the past two days, the searching my heart, the pain and the purpose of it, points me to that hope and I love it so much.  Was a time when pain caused me to question God, shook my faith, made my knees shake in despair.  How could You?  How could You?  Something quiet has happened in my life the past three years.   Now when the tears fall, when people do hurtful things, when the unexpected happens, when the inevitable comes, I turn to Him safe.  I still cry.  I still get lost sometimes.  But He knows my name and He calls it.  And I always find my way back.  It’s okay now that I don’t understand.  I don’t strive to anymore.  I don’t need to.  I wouldn’t anyway, even if He told me.  Because I’d always do it differently.

I curl up on this Sunday morning and reach for the Jesus Storybook Bible.  I love how the author uses childlike terms to explain big thoughts; “Jesus went up into the bright air”, “He came to make sad come untrue.”  I turn out my light and smile into the dark.

“I don’t know where Jesus is,” Mary said urgently.  “I can’t find Him.”
But it was alright.  Jesus knew where she was.  And He had found her.
“Mary!”
Only one person said her name like that.”

He has said my name like that these days.  He has taught me to see the pain as level ground in this world that hurts us sometimes.  Even people that hurt us?  Don’t really mean to, if they could see past this murky veil we live behind. He’s teaching me what grace looks like.  Days sometimes make me long to leave this place.  But then He shows me a glimpse of it’s beauty and I gasp sorry that I almost missed it.

He gives me reasons to keep going.  Kaitlyn, Connor, Jamie, Amy, Naomi, Solomon, Caleb, Hannah, Noah, Rachael, Jeremy, Beatrice, Benjamin, E.T., Hannah and Madison, Julia, Erick, Melody, Rachel, Julie, Judy, Jonah, Shane, Emma, Jenna, Laurie, Tonya, Bill, Carley, Graham, Penelope, Katie, Tricia, Phoebe, Alan, Michael, Michele, Carrie, Bob, Neva, Terri, Heather, Shirley. Loretta, Dorothy, Tina……the faces go past my eyes endless as I close them and I picture the people.  We are here for each other, while we are here.  It’s all transitory, so fragile, so temporary, save the final goal.  The forever goal.

Carry things loosely, reach out quickly, use the currency of your life wisely.  Fix your eyes on the prize, whether through your tears or through the “bright air”.  It’s going to be alright, in the end.  He has told us so.